My mom has been fighting colon cancer for a year now. She had surgery and then months of Chemo, then months of waiting to get tests to see if the cancer was gone. No it wasn't. We just found out last week that the colon cancer has spread to her lungs. Son of a Bitch!
I know life isn't fair, but this still pisses me off. I feel so damn angry and helpless, but it's really not about me is it? She also has lived with Lupus for many years, I don't know what if any effect this has on the cancer. I live 6 hours away from my parents and really wish I could be there to help in any way possible. I want to be able to just be available to, run to the store for them, or to make dinner. Any stupid little thing that might help.
She's one of the most awesome people I've ever known. Certainly nobody deserves cancer, and maybe it's just because I love her so much, but this just feels so unjust. There is nothing I can do aside from pray, and let her, and the rest of the family how much I love them.
I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I've never been particularly good at dealing with stress. My default coping mechanism is to do stupid somewhat destructive things like smoke and bite my fingernails. I'm trying, with the help of my husband to find healthier ways to cope.
Yesterday when I called my parents, my mom was feeling so bad, that she actually said "I feel pretty crappy", and couldn't talk on the phone. My dad was talking about how he has to deal with the fact that he could lose her. Now my dad can be morbid at times, but my mom does not admit she isn't feeling well. She puts on a smiling face and cares for other people. So for her to say that out loud and not be able to have a phone conversation was huge!
That really threw me for a loop. I had a pretty big meltdown. Sobbing uncontrollably, feeling so angry and just wanting to have a cigarette. My husband is so sweet and supportive he stopped what he was doing to just hold me and let me cry. I was at a loss for how to manage. The only thing I could think to do that wasn't self-destructive was to go for a run.
We were expecting guests for dinner at any time. My face was red, swollen and snotty from bawling, but I put on my shoes and headed for the beach. I only ran about two miles, but I did sprints on all the hills. It hurt but I did feel a bit better afterward.
I have no idea what this blog, and post are supposed to do. I just really had the need to share what was going on even if it is only to the computer.
I so wish I could fix her.
